Our "Breakup" Emails
If you are following us on YouTube, you know that we are doing a whole video series where we talk about how we met and all the stories that go with that. In the most recent video, we talk about the emails that Andrew and I sent each other a few days before I officially moved to Nashville. I promised they would be posted in text form... so here they are!
DATE: October 28, 2013
SUBJECT: Considerations for Moving to Nashville
First, let it be known that the recent decision to uproot your location and move from West Des Moines (WDM) to Nashville is welcomed. It is both exciting and mind blowing to consider how in less than 9 days you will be living less than a mile from the Bachelor Pad, the place at which you have been staying up until your move in date, November 5, 2013. The prospect of that proximity is a relief, as it seems that I cant function properly merely hours after your departure. I am genuinely looking forward to the opportunity to spend more time with you, make more memories, and grow in our relationship. Enough of the business talk.
I hope that you are well aware that I have one ultimatum in our relationship. That serving you and helping you reach your full potential is my top priority; and if this is not the case, then I am not worthy to be with you. Yes, there will be failures and frustrations, but at the end of the day, I hope that you can honestly lay your head down and without a doubt know that in some way, I have helped. I have served. I have honored and respected.
In order to preserve this, I want to propose a few ground rules. I believe I have made clear to you that never before have I felt how I now feel, and I have never been put in a situation such as this. Obviously, I am making a rather big deal out of all of this, but its only because you are a big deal to me. Now, here are my propositions moving forward:
1) If you need help with ANYTHING, let me know. This includes dog sitting, cleaning, me leaving because Ive overstayed a welcome, or rides to and from the airport. I am not saying that I am the solution to all of your problems and don’t want you to have that expectation, but remember, I am here to serve.
2) Chances are, at some point along the ride, there will be days on which we don’t see each other. At first thought, that was what I was imagining, but I don’t think that should be the expectation. I plan on maintaining the mentality that each and every second spent with you is a gift, a treat, a blessing, and undeserved. On days that I don’t see you, I am still grateful for you. You and I both will be busy, me with football and school and keeping up with guys, you with your work. Lets try to be sensitive to that.
3) A side thought that I had was that in Iowa you have your parents and Tori and your friends. In Nashville, they aren’t here. I know you’ve lived in LA and all that, but I was still thinking of that. Youll have your group of friends here, but they are a different source of comfort from your family. I guess I just say this so that you keep this in mind.
4) I don’t want any part of this to be stressful. That may be idealistic of me, but if its too much of a hassle to move, or too much of a stretch to leave Iowa, or illogical with your travel schedule, then don’t overdo it.
5) I want to cook WITH you. I think it would be fun to learn and this is a good reason to start.
6) I really like hanging out with you. In all situations. Im sure we will have our alone time, and I desparately want that. But also realize I think youre funny around my friends and you fit in well. So if its okay, I hope we can hang out with everybody together. It’s a lot of my friends senior year, so its kind of weird knowing this is the last few months Ill be spending with them here.
I think the biggest thing is to just have realistic expectations. Let me know what you think about all these, I know its kind of ridiculous Im thinking of all of this, but I just want to be sure we go about this the right way.
Let me just start by apologizing for the delayed response. I'm not going to lie either, last night when I read this I got slightly overwhelmed and was uncertain as to how i should respond. SO, I'm going to give it my best attempt in putting in writing everything that is going through my brain so maybe you can understand things a little better.
1) I absolutely loved your e-mail. Don't think otherwise. I love how open you are, how you share your thoughts, and voice your concerns. I'm still learning how to do that. But in you e-mail, I wasn't sure if i was reading into things too much, if I am just getting nervous, or its a combination of both of us that left me feeling overwhelmed and questioning.
2) I am nervous. Flat out. I'm not stressed or anxious really, I'm just nervous. Something I'm not sure i've explained well enough in this whole decision and process is the magnitude on my end of what i'm getting ready to do. Ive moved many times before. I've lived in Dallas, LA, NYC, and even a few other places but they were always just temporary places and even though some of them i set out to live in permanently, I always knew i'd be coming back home. Well, this time is different. I sold my old condo and am renting out my house. Besides my new apartment, i don't have anywhere that is just mine to go back to anymore. This is my new "home", and the feeling of permanency or at least permancey of change is far greater than I've ever felt. I know this time is different. It doesn't make me want to change my mind or change any of my plans it just makes things more serious for me and leaves me restless at night. I've always said i was going to leave Iowa (and maybe come back later) to try and start making a long term life for myself and i feel i really am now. Now add into account how close i am to my family and i may just vomit hah! There's just a lot of change coming and its scary!
3) Why i am moving…. Want this one to be as clear as day. And don't take this personally at all or think this is insensitive, because Andrew… You mean more to me than I could have ever imagined. BUT I am moving to Nashville for me. Point blank. I have been looking for a new place for awhile, and I've been looking at Nashville for awhile. Whether for school or just a new home i fell in love with the city a few years ago when i came to work the CMTs. I have purpose here. I can work and travel easy. I have a few cousins and friends. I have trainers and potential for a new job, and my biggest corporate partnerships are in Memphis and Knoxville. Nashville makes sense right now. Now, rewind to the CMAs and insert you. You kind of threw my plan a little you turd ;) But for the BETTER don't start over thinking that!! But you definitely made my move a little harder because, given my past experiences with guys, i tend to be very very cautious in making any decisions based on a relationship. Now, thats not necessarily how i feel relationships should work. I think you definitely should make decisions based on one another and in each others best interest for their relationship but preaching it is easier than doing it for me since I've learned the hard way that no matter how invested you are the other might really not be. In moving to Nashville, i just want to make sure you know I'm not up and moving my life solely based on you (i know that sounds harsh I'm sorry!) but thats only because this has always been my plan and it just so happens that you were and are a serious blessing on top of it.
4) Adding to number 3….. Just putting it out there… Andrew….. I am stubborn. I am incredibly independent…. and i get very shut off and guarded when i feel I've put myself out there or i have let myself become vulnerable. I have A LOT of change going on and frankly i feel myself shutting off a little. I like you so so so much (ok thats a serious understatement) I want to further our relationship! I want to spend more time with you, and i want to get to know you more. But I've never lived a mile away from the guy i was dating. Thats probably why I've dated long distance all the time is because I've always thought i was so crazy and "unloveable" that if any one got too close and got tired of me they'd leave me and i wouldn't have anywhere to go!! My independecy can be a fault. Ive built it up so much over the years so that i'd never have to let myself depend on someone. But… you my friend are breaking that one down. Even though i don't let my life and well being depend on you, you make me better. You make me think clearer and be the person i know i should be and want to be. You make me happy (oh geesh thats a downside i forgot) and you make me want to work even harder to become an even better version of myself. So in a way my soul depends on you and again holy crap that scares me. (in a good way)
5) Lastly….. Just want you to know I AM EXCITED! Beyond excited. On top of all of my rambling… This is something I've been looking forward to for awhile now. Staying in des moines ties me to my past too much. It doesn't allow me to grow and i know Nashville will. I look forward to actually being within walking distance from you (700 to 1 holy holy holy crapola) and i know Nash is certainly looking forward to his new puppy sitter and that awesome dog park. I don't doubt for a second there will be failures and hard times. Heck, now instead of driving me to the airport and only putting up with me for a few days you're actually going to have to put up with me for longer!! Just like you told me… Make sure you tell me and kick me out when i've overstayed my welcome!
Few other things….
-I think you'll probably get to see now how busy i can be. Every time i fly into nashville I've cleared my schedule to just hang out. Now this is home and its not all just chill time so being "sensitive" to schedules won't be a problem from this side sir :)
-I want to cook with you too… Im really not that good so don't come expecting a Chef! I can follow a recipe pretty well thats about it. But i will say, i do cook dinner every night (its a habit i rarely ever break when I'm at "home") so if you ever need dinner you know you are always welcome. ill always make extra.
-I understand that this is your friends last year… actually caught onto that awhile ago and wondered if i was taking too much time away from them. So don't worry, this is a really busy time of the year for me and I'm always able to find something to do.
-That being said… I absolutely love your friends so I will gladly accompany you any time you want a bug around. Again, i won't barge in on boy time though. No worries.
- Puppysitting…. As much as i am gone i know its a lot to ask to watch a puppy all the time. I have quite a few people around the area that can take him as well as a puppy day care center so if i EVER ask and you really can't don't hesitate to say so :)
Last last thing i want to stress….
You Mr. East are the most incredible guy i have ever met. Just from simple observation, watching you around your friends and family and community I've been sincerely humbled. You are a true man of honesty, family, faith, a leader, a great friend, and a serious goofball when you want to be. You have a way of truly touching peoples hearts by simply listening and it is a beautiful thing to see. You motivate me to be better. You are a true comfort when i am with you and you make me feel at home when I'm cuddled up in your arms. You're able to make to feel like a true princess and i only hope and pray and ask that if i don't ever live up to that as well and return everything it is you deserve then you put me in my place or, like you said, end it because you are something special that only deserves the very very best.